The month of July will never start the same in my life . On July 1st 2018 I lost my very first home , my forever haven , my mum.
All those who have known me throughout these years know that my mum and I were inseparable. Inseparable until we had no choice.
Mama was one of the most kindred & gentle of souls one can ever come across . Like a calming breeze from heaven that made the whole word cease to her blessed presence . She was a wonder in herself . A persona like no other , she loved deeply and felt profoundly with every ounce of her being . She had strangers spellbound to her smile , her gentle care and considerate demeanor. She was everything the great writers describe as the epitome of woman and her beauty. There was nothing superficial about her beauty .Her face reflected the light and immeasurable purity she was born with .
When in 2013 she was diagnosed with breast cancer ,not for a single moment did I think she would not endure and win this battle. She was afterall an amalgam of someone incredibly delicate, yet endowed with unwavering inner strength. She loved her family with her heart and soul and would never let us be without her . .so I thought.
She was my bestest friend , my buddy ...my everything. My day began and ended with her blessings , her phone calls , her soothing voice, her musical laughs , her little playful love for my son , her careful repetition of words saying 'look after yourself' . She had the super power of knowing every single word my heart spoke in silence .She was warm , kind, forgiving , loving and most of all unconditional in all she did . Out of all her beautiful traits however, the most beautiful was that she always wished people well in her heart . No matter what their conduct. She didn't belong in this world , she belonged in fairy tales and twilight dreams that warm up the broken , the lost and the hurting .
How could I ever do without her ...yet here I am writing about her in past tense ?!
These 3 years have been the longest 3 years out of all the years I have lived . Everyday I've lived like a pendulum . Swinging between denial and reality. Secretly wishing she would come back & then slapped with the reality of the helplessness of her being gone forever .
In these past 3 years, every call that rung on my phone, every text I've received, every family event , our house move , my daughter's birth , my son's birthdays , everytime I fell sick , every new year , valentines , mother's day , every wedding , every dinner party , every shopping trip , every shower , every self care ritual ... everytime I get dressed, do my hair , choose an outfit, do my makeup..every single time , every single day that she isn't there for it all.. she DEPARTS my world like she did on July 1st 2018.
So when people say a loved one leaves the world ONCE ....its a big fat LIE ! There are LOUD REMINDERS that come crashing into one's chest like a large thump leaving a lump in the throat ever so often . You brave a normal face through your days but when nights set you wish to see them again.
When a loved one dies and leaves you behind , you die a little every day and then pull yourself back up to live a little for the loved ones around you.
People may say "oh but she's in a better place " . There is none i know of ...other than the place where we are together. Yes although she was too pure for this world , I needed her for my own selfish reasons. I belonged to her. She was my home, my vessel before birth and my forever warm blanket in this physical world.
At some point in our lives we all understand why a ' Home' is so much more than a physical structure of cement & bricks . It's a feeling of belonging . Somewhere you return to no matter where you go & no matter what you do .
I wonder if this is why I never fully grieved . I have always felt like i will see her again . I never really believed she has gone as I never truly let her go . She will always remain embraced and loved 'within' me now that she has wings to soar free through the heavens .
My mum will aways be my home . The vessel that brought me to this world , the home that nurtured my soul with incredible values and love . The home that I shall return to once I've gone about my life and played my part. I shall be ready to rest on her lap for eternity.
I love you mama.. until we meet again ❤